It’s a mysterious thing, the tube. The fact that hundreds of people are still able to ingest oxygen whilst shoved onto a cramped human-sized straw which then hurtles deep underground through dark, dirty and grimy tunnels continues to baffle me. It’s ingenious, it’s horrendous, it’s hilarious, it’s strange. Not much conversation takes place on it, unless you’re with someone you already know. Heaven forbid you should start up a conversation with a stranger – this is strictly against well-known but unspoken tube policy and you will surely explode from the amount of pierced glares of confusion and repulsion of fellow commuters. Still, the wonderful thing about the tube is that it’s non-discriminatory. Anyone with a £1.45 can ride it, and it sure opens up your eyes to the wonderful walks of life that inhabit this city.
Anyone who’s travelled on the tube a fair bit would be familiar with general tube etiquette – however, I feel there’s a few human behaviours that still warrant discussion… here’s my two cents.
1. Eating on the tube
Firstly, it’s a rarity to see someone eat on the tube. I didn’t realise this until I started to really notice it when someone was. Now, like most people, I love food and I’m often running late. This equation usually requires one to snack on the way to somewhere, via bus ride, taxi, stroll, etc. However, there was always something holding me back from shovelling food into my mouth whilst sitting millimetres away from an audience of seemingly grumpy tubers. I wasn’t really sure why this was until I experienced eating on the tube myself.
It was a sunny morning in Stratford and I was running pretty late for work, so breakfast was to be a takeaway coffee and a large yoghurt with berries on top. Running to the station and settling into my seat on the Jubilee line, I prepped to plunge into awesome yoghurty goodness. It was a little awkward balancing my bag on my lap, a coffee between my knees and a yoghurt in my hands, sure, but nonetheless, I was enjoying my tub right up until the moment where train went from bathing in natural sunlight to plummeting into that long tight cave of endless gloom. With each spoonful, I started to feel different. I started to realise that I was eating in a light-less, soulless tunnel. I took note of my hunched posture, knees balancing my bag with my elbows tightly clamped to my sides as to not accidentally bump my neighbours. My yoghurt started to look different, too. It looked affected by the filthy tube walls, perhaps being contaminated by the sooty wall particles or the carbon dioxide increasingly circling around the carriage. That, in addition to the significant risk of dropping crumbs/contents of my meal onto a stranger’s thigh and the awkward disposal of any used wrappers/napkins back into my handbag topped it off. In any case, it was memorable and something I don’t think I’ll be repeating any time soon.
2. Sleeping on the tube
Oh yes, you can definitely sleep on the tube. The tube welcomes all strains of sleep, too. You can do the polite shut-eye two minute kip or you can completely pass out, flop your head back with your mouth wide open and get some REM going like a champion. No one in your carriage knows why you’re so tired – or cares. Maybe you’re a shift worker, maybe you’re absolutely hammered drunk, maybe you’re jet lagged, maybe you’re narcoleptic – either way, we’ve all been there and we’re all ok with it. Just expect to have a stranger roughly shake you awake when you reach the end of the train line. Also, hang onto your shit.
3. Kissing on the tube
Some might suggest that kissing is in the same vein as eating on the tube, but I’m undecided on this one. I think there’s room for a good pash provided some courteous steps are taken. Firstly, I’m inclined to think that all tube snogs should occur with both parties standing, not sitting. On most tube lines, sitting down means you’re face to face with a panel of judgemental commuters, and when there’s not much to look at other than the never-end tunnel of blackness rushing passed the tagged windows, you’re forcing people to watch your slobbery spectacle whether they want to or not. Standing somewhat removes you from an audience, although this poses threats of unbalance and angry bumps from passengers getting on and off the train. Occasional opening of the eyes for a quick scan of your surroundings is suggested.
Another suggestion would be to ensure you’re both getting off at the same station. I’ll never forget the night I had finished a first date with a guy and we had to catch the same train for a couple of stops and he surprised me with a tube kiss that I absolutely did not see coming. I was not only mid-sentence, but I was completely wrong in my stance and nearly went hurtling into his teeth as the train rocketed through the underground. To make matters worse, he kissed me right up until the next stop where he conveniently had to get off, said something that I think was meant to be romantic on his way out (loud enough for at least the last third of the carriage to hear), and left me stuck for the next 8 stops with a bunch of spectators stifling giggles at the awkward soft porn show they had just seen. Mortifying. Final suggestion is to make sure both parties are keen for said snog.
4. Complaining about the the tube during a Heat Wave
Ok before you Aussies pipe up with retorts like ‘you call 27 degrees a heat wave?!’… have you ever done a Bikram Yoga class where you had to clamber up and down stairs fully clothed and slide your slippery self into a stuffed cylindrical sardine tin-like sweat gland, only to breathe in other people’s BO and dodge drops of salty sweat falling from people’s pits whilst trying not to black out from heat exhaustion?? That, my dear mate, is the tube during an English-standard heatwave. The tube barely knows air, let alone air conditioning. It’s enough to make you cry, if you only had any fluid left in your broken self-saturated body when you come up from the underground.
5. Chivalry on the tube
Absolutely exists and is absolutely non-negotiable. Ever been on the tube and felt like the bodies around you are just human shells who have told their souls to meet them at the underground entrance at their destination? And then suddenly see them all spring to life when an elderly lady shuffles onto the carriage? It’s marvellous. It’s as if these pregnant or old people have 7 bums that need seats, as half the carriage quickly ushers them to various seated locations throughout the carriage.
Equally as impressive is the unity of commuters when some git is sitting in the priority seat and doesn’t give up their seat for a person requiring it. The sudden human connection bouncing around the carriage through tuts, ferocious glares and shaking heads is almost tangible. Someone will always save the day though, offering their seat loudly and accompanied by disdainful glances in the clueless git’s direction. I daresay you only make that mistake once.
6. Walking around stations in the tube
This is not a leisurely activity. It’s a sport and it’s taken seriously.
People plan their trips down to the minute and this includes a smooth transition between lines. Because of this, the walk between tube lines is a science. Don’t dawdle, don’t stroll, don’t run, don’t walk three people wide and, for the love of God, do not stop unless you pull over to the side. If you’re in a group, be prepared to lose members. If you have luggage, you will probably receive assistance with stairs – this is mainly just to keep the flow going and doesn’t warrant a conversation afterwards. If you have a pram… you’re brave.
7. Listening to music on the tube
You will want to invest in some kick-ass headphones – the tube is loud!
8. Being a tourist on the tube
I’ve been one and I think being a tourist on the London tube is very similar to being a tourist in Paris. If you don’t make an effort to abide by a culture that’s been in place for generations, you’re going to receive the rude end of the stick from commuters. Loud conversations between each end of a carriage, on a Sunday morning, before a coffee, is simply not acceptable and I daresay I wasn’t the only commuter imagining tearing the limbs off the teenage offenders that particular morning.
All this being said, I quite enjoy the tube. I enjoy its convenience and I’m fascinated by it’s culture thats come about from 150 years of existence. It’s always interesting, even when it’s insanely busy. One aspect of the tube that I find fabulous is the fact that there is no reception underground. You’re not distracted by your phone or by a view. The tube, in a weirdly wonderful way, forces you to sit/stand and just exist. I think a lot on the tube. I write set lists, think of songs for students, make ‘to do’ lists, or think about friends I haven’t spoken to in a while. I can listen to a song 8 times and start thinking about vocal arrangements. I can read books (which I would never usually do) and I can play sudoku. When do we actually get a chance to just sit and contemplate, without quickly getting bored and turning to our phones or computers for a dose of social media? It’s refreshing. If only the air was, too… 😉
Sheoblabs 